The All New Beard Weight Loss Plan

So, you have a few extra pounds. Maybe you’ve had them for years. Maybe they’re a recent development. And now you have decided to grow a beard. This is good news for your physique. You may ask, “How’s that?” First, you need to let that beast grow, grow, grow. Once the beard and ‘stache get to a considerable length, you will begin to notice that it starts getting in your way when eating and drinking. This is going to force you to develop some strategies for staying alive, i.e., eating and drinking, while keeping the beard and ‘stache clean & dry.

Growing a beard is a commitment. It means you are going to need to spend a little more time grooming and taking care of your looks to avoid becoming one of “those guys” who give us bearded dudes a bad name…you know the ones who have wild, wiry, stinky beards with crumbs, snot and beardruff. (These are the guys who clearly have not visited to get their grooming products and beard care tips.)

EatingBack to the weight loss. The aforementioned strategies are going to involve such things as taking smaller bites when eating, using a napkin after each bite and taking smaller sips. Combined, these things will result in your eating more slowly, enjoying the food more and allowing your stomach to send the signal to your brain that you are full before overstuffing yourself. The natural result is fewer calories consumed and subsequent weight loss.


Some specific things to help keep your beard and mustache clean and free of food include:

  • Order sundaes instead of ice cream cones. Eat the sundae with a spoon to avoid a beard full of ice cream.

    No more cones.
  • Take smaller bites and open wide when forking or spooning food into your maw.
  • Use a straw when drinking cold drinks – except beer—I think in man law there is a clause that states “beer must never be drunk through a straw.”
  • When drinking without the aid of a straw, tip your head back slightly more than normal to pour your drink into your mouth. Careful here though because exaggerating this move too much will make you look weird.
  • Use sippy tops when drinking hot drinks such as coffee.
  • Stache dams!?!? I don’t know. Never used one, but, hey, somebody must.

    ‘Stache (Ok, Whisker) Dam
  • When you finish eating or blowing your nose, use a comb to remove stuff that isn’t supposed to be there. Visit a restroom, if available, to check in the mirror for foreign objects and assure everything is where it is supposed to be, and nothing is there that shouldn’t be.



Your beard is also going to cause you to be more outgoing and active. Therefore, you will burn more calories. A healthy beard requires fresh air to thrive. Besides, who wants to have a big, awesome beard and stay indoors all the time. You need to get out, let your beard run free, be seen and maybe even socialize with other beards. This means hiking in the mountains (skiing in winter), swimming in the ocean, canoeing rivers or even walking through the park if you don’t have mountains, oceans or rivers near you. Regardless of the activity, proper beard care requires spending time outdoors doing manly things and this means burning calories.


Because you now have a beard, you will naturally be more virile and produce more testosterone. Therefore, you will be compelled to do other manly things such as chopping your own firewood, making repairs to your pickup truck and building your own cabin in the woods by hand. Again, these things naturally burn calories and build muscle. Muscle requires calories so the food you eat will go to fueling that muscle. It naturally follows that you will lose fat.

You won’t find this information in any of your scientific journals. No sir, this is the stuff that “they” don’t want you to know. Without this information, you are more likely to shave and conform to “societal norms.” We have beards. We are non-conformists. We buck the system. We do things our way. Grow that awesome beard and enjoy the obvious benefits of being a gloriously bearded, manly man. And lose weight in the process.

Fuzz on!


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.